One day a man named Domonic was playing a
bocce match with the Pope. On the first throw, Domonic misses the pallino by
three feet. "Damn it, I missed." says Domonic. The Pope says,"You shouldn't
say that, it is bad.
Later on in the match Domonic misses a
critical point shot. "Damn it, I missed." says Domonic again. The Pope says,
"Don't say that, next time you do, God will strike you down with a lightning
bolt."
At the end of the final game, Domonic
tries to spock to win the game. "Damn it, I missed." says Domonic once
again. The Pope looks into the sky as the clouds start to split apart. Then
a lightning bolt comes down from heaven, striking and killing the Pope.
God's voice echos, "DAMN IT, I MISSED."
Confucius Quote
Confucius says: "Bocce all wrong, man with
four balls cannot play."
CORPORATE SPORTS
The
National Foundation announced the following study results on corporate
America recreation preferences:
1. Sport of
choice for front line workers: BOCCE
2. Sport of
choice for supervisors: BASEBALL
3. Sport of
choice for middle management: TENNIS
4. Sport of
choice for corporate officers: GOLF
CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.
The bocce
clinic instructor walked over to two women and asked, "Are you here to learn
how to play bocce?"
One replied, "My friend is. I learned
yesterday."
HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS
There once
were two best friends named Alphonse and Geno. They were two of the biggest
fans of bocce in Italy. Their golden years revolved around bocce. They
discussed bocce strategy in the winter, and they examined time they scored
during the last season. They played over 60 games a year. They even agreed
that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there
was bocce in heaven.
One summer
night, Alphonse passed away in his sleep after winning a tough bocce game
earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.
A few
nights later, his buddy Geno awoke to the sound of Alphonse's voice from
beyond.
"Alphonse
is that you?" Geno asked.
"Of course
it me," Alphonse replied.
"This is
unbelievable!" Geno exclaimed, "So tell me, is there bocce in heaven?"
"Well, I
have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear
first?"
"Tell me
the good news first."
"Well, the
good news is that there is bocce in heaven, Geno."
"Oh, that
is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're
scheduled to play
tomorrow night."
Four old men were playing bocce one
day when an angel of healing appeared at the end of the court.
When the astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first man
asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took
shrapnel in the Vietnam War and can hardly bend over to throw the ball.
Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the
man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man who wore very thick glasses said he has a hard time seeing
the pallino and bocce balls. He asked if the angel could do anything about
his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and took his
glass of wine from him. When she rubbed some wine on his eyes, the man's
eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
The third man said he had arthritis so bad in his hand that he could hardly
hold a bocce ball. The angel took his hand and touched each finger and then
threw a ball to him which he caught easily.
When the angel turned to the
fourth man, he quickly raised his hands out defensively toward the angel. "DON”T
TOUCH ME!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
A grandfather took his visiting
grandson over to the bocce courts to play his favorite game. While they were
playing, the boy suddenly became curious about the way the game was played.
He asked his grandfather, "Why do you have to throw out the little ball
first?” The grandfather replied, "Don't rightly know junior."
A little later, the boy looked at
his grandfather and asked, "How much does this bocce ball weigh?" Once again
the grandfather replied, "Don't rightly know junior."
A little later the boy asked his
grandfather, "Why do you have to throw underhanded?" Again, the grandfather
replied. "Don't rightly know junior."
After several
more questions with the same reply, the boy asked his grandfather, "Grandpa,
do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The grandfather replied,
"Of course not, if you don't ask questions, you will never learn anything."
THE PERFECT SHOT
A guy stood ready to make a bocce shot for what seemed an eternity, looking
up, looking down, figuring the distance, figuring the court conditions,
direction and speed ... driving his opponent nuts.
Finally his exasperated opponent says, "What the hell is taking so long?
Roll the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is over there watching me. I want to make this a
perfect shot."
"GIVE ME A BREAK! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her
from here."
THE ITALIAN CONFESSIONAL
A man goes
to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is
your sin, my child?" the priest asks back.
"Well," the
man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely
terrible."
"When did
you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was
playing bocce and rolled my first shot that looked like it was going within a foot
of the pallino but all of a sudden it turned toward the sideboard."
"Is that
when you swore?"
"No,
Father." Said the man. "As it was rolling, a small dog ran out of the bushes
and grabbed the pallino in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT
when you swore?" asked the priest again.
"Well, no,"
said the man, "You see, as the dog was running, an eagle came down out of
the sky, grabbed the dog in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT
when you swore?" asked the amazed priest.
"No, not
yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the dog away in his claws, it
flew towards the toward the bocce court and as it passed over the court, the
dog dropped the pallino."
"Did you
swear THEN?" asked the now impatient priest.
"No,
because when the ball fell it rolled against the sideboard, bounced off,
rolled by one of my bocce balls, and stopped within two inches of my
opponent’s bocce ball."
"Did you swear
THEN?" asked the impatient priest.
The man
started to further explain, "No, I picked up my ball for the next shot---"
"You missed
the DAMN spock, didn't you?" sighed the priest.
WHY BOCCE IS BETTER THAN SEX
The
equipment is always hard.
It lasts
over an hour.
You can
score 12 times.
Your team
cheers when you score.
You can
count on it at least twice a week.
You can
tell everyone about it afterwards.
"You're so
involved with bocce," whined the wife, "that you can't even remember the day
we were married."
"That's
what you think!" countered the husband. "It was the same day I scored 12
points in three frames."
TOO MUCH SUN
This guy is
stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a
speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck
gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."
The speck
gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
He makes it
to a flat hard sandy beach and then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman,
wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How
long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten
years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her
left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights
it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she
asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He
replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her
right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig
and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she
starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit
and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL
fun?"
And the man
replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got a set of bocce balls in
there!"
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